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The Misguided Mantra of Authenticity

When it comes to assertiveness advice, there’s one phrase that’s often thrown around like a hot potato: “Just be yourself.” It’s a mantra that’s meant to empower, but in reality, it’s a recipe for disaster. “Just be yourself” is the worst assertiveness advice ever, and here’s why.

Assertiveness is not about being yourself; it’s about being effective. When you’re trying to communicate your needs and wants, being yourself might not be enough. You need to be strategic, confident, and persuasive. “Just be yourself” implies that your natural personality is enough to get the job done, but that’s not always the case.

In fact, being yourself can sometimes be a hindrance to effective communication. Think about it: if you’re naturally shy or introverted, “being yourself” might mean coming across as timid or uncertain. If you’re naturally aggressive or confrontational, “being yourself” might mean coming across as abrasive or hostile. Neither of these approaches is likely to get you what you want.

The Problem with Authenticity

Authenticity is a buzzword that’s often tossed around in self-help circles. We’re told that being authentic is the key to building trust, forming connections, and achieving success. But what does authenticity really mean? Is it about being true to yourself, or is it about being true to others’ expectations of you?

The truth is, authenticity is a myth. We’re all performing to some extent, whether we realize it or not. We adapt to different social situations, tone down our personalities, and put on masks to fit in. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s necessary for effective communication.

When you’re trying to assert yourself, you need to be aware of your audience, your tone, and your body language. You need to be able to adjust your approach to suit the situation. “Just be yourself” ignores this complexity and implies that you can just wing it and expect success.

The Cult of Vulnerability

Another problem with “just be yourself” is that it often gets conflated with vulnerability. We’re told that being vulnerable is a sign of strength, that it’s necessary for building deep connections and achieving intimacy. But vulnerability is not the same as assertiveness.

Vulnerability is about being open and honest, but it’s not about being effective. In fact, vulnerability can sometimes be a liability in assertiveness situations. When you’re trying to negotiate a raise, for example, being vulnerable about your financial struggles might not be the most effective approach. You need to be confident, prepared, and strategic.

The Performance of Confidence

So what’s the alternative to “just be yourself”? It’s not about faking it till you make it, but about performing confidence. When you’re assertive, you’re not just being yourself; you’re performing a version of yourself that’s confident, capable, and persuasive.

This doesn’t mean you’re being inauthentic; it means you’re being strategic. You’re aware of your strengths and weaknesses, and you’re using them to your advantage. You’re not trying to be someone you’re not; you’re trying to be the best version of yourself.

The Power of Role-Playing

One way to develop this performance of confidence is through role-playing. Imagine yourself in different assertiveness scenarios, and practice your responses. How would you negotiate a raise? How would you say no to a request? How would you ask for help?

Role-playing is not about being fake; it’s about being prepared. It’s about developing a sense of confidence and competence that you can draw on in real-life situations. And it’s about recognizing that assertiveness is not just about being yourself, but about being effective.

FAQ

What’s the difference between assertiveness and aggression?

Assertiveness is about communicating your needs and wants in a clear and respectful manner. Aggression is about imposing your will on others through force or coercion. Assertiveness is about being confident and persuasive, while aggression is about being confrontational and hostile.

Can I still be authentic while being assertive?

Yes, you can still be authentic while being assertive. Assertiveness is not about faking it till you make it, but about being strategic and effective. You can still be true to yourself while adapting to different social situations and using persuasive communication techniques.

Is assertiveness only for extroverts?

No, assertiveness is not only for extroverts. Introverts can be just as assertive as extroverts, and they often have an advantage when it comes to listening and observing. Assertiveness is about being confident and effective, not about being loud or outgoing.